Hello everyone!
This is my first piece here, which is just a prologue to the real story.
I'm sorry if I have lots of mistakes, I don't write things in English that much.
So, well, Enjoy!
Tuna
edit:
changed the whole prologue, I realized the way I write the old one is too rushed, and didn't think about how the reader thinks. 
Prologue
An angel I created you, among many, blessed with few traits of man.
You are given vision of all, and with that you shall share what you see with the few who I claim needs them.
I therefor ask -not order- you to do a task, to write a book for man.
You then shall decide whether or not to do this task, as decision is one of the ability an angel like you normally do not posess.
You shall watch over the whole world of Panna and,
I shall watch over you.
I will name you, Raziel.
***
You may think I should shoot myself, with a gun, bomb, or pineapple, whatever object that would hurt when it hits someone. I'm not sure how the last one would work. But who are you to tell me what you think? A human is all you are; you may anger, you may whine, to Gramps or my fellow angel, but not me. Alone is how the arrogant walks, and arrogance is what makes man. I am not with you.
Pride - what each man brings to reach greater potential. Without it they are bound to never advance, but with it they are cursed to sacrifice other things to make steps for their foot, even among themselves. All the time they have would bring them back, not forward, as they work their way to massacre and extinction. When ignorance overwhelms, there's nothing else that can save them, not even me.
I mean, I wouldn't.
Whatever they learn, whatever they conquer, they would only want to keep as much as possible for themselves, or their family, or their clan or kingdom or whatever. Exclusivity causes them to war against each other, and that never change even since I watch over them back when Gramps created Luther, the first human, and Calla, his companion. Someone has to teach them other than fighting to survive and fulfill their passion. Someone has to teach them that human, like a colony of ant or a group of birds, are one. This is like asking for world peace, and though I wish for it to happen, I wouldn't be bothered to do it. Too much effort, won't do, would you?
Unfortunately, the angel Raziel, the one that has to present the human a book from other than their own view, the one that was given the task to stop them to destroy themselves and around them, - happens to be me.
Out of all the good traits that can be found elsewhere, why did Gramps have to include the traits of human unto me? To compensate my ability to learn, I was made to be dumb, and as expected from any other people, when given a task as big as this, I would...whine.
But I was obedient when my memory was still fresh. I still remember that time shortly after Gramps made me, I was pretty much like:
"All right, lets do it! Lets write this book about humanity and for humanity!
I was excited, I was full of energy.
I was lost.
I'm way older than human race, that's when I felt embarassed when I spent decades looking around Panna just to figure out they haven't even existed yet.
They were cute, you know, these humans. Cute and stupid, which equates to entertaining to watch. At least, that's what I thought they were, until I got to know them better.
"O, holy Raziel, why do I suffer from famine and poverty when I have treated others kindly as you taught us to?"
"Everything has its reason, and you will be rewarded according to His greater plan"
Well, what else could I say? I was more confused after hearing his response, though.
"So, can you give me wealth right now?"
"Me?"
"Yes"
"Right now? Give you wealth?"
"Yes. And some clothes."
This was around the time I stopped showing up in front of them. I mean, what am I? A genie?
Now, you must think I'm a cruel angel, lazy, indecent, or should just go shoot myself. Well, too bad. It's also one of human's traits to 'kiss-ass' to something more powerful, in the end they will stab me with the knife I gift them to when they can.
If I show up again around this time, they'd shoot me and capture me for show and tell, thinking they can handle everything themselves. But hell, this was exactly why I whine a lot. I'm an angel, and so I have some sort of obligation towards them. I couldn't just ditch my duty like this, so I tried another approach...
...which was to to blend in the human society as one, because I learned from experience, that looking is not enough, you also have to touch it to see if it's real.
...I just realized that sounded very misleading.
I mean, to know by looking is not as good as to understand by asking. That's a better way of saying it.
As an angel in the human-relation department, Gramps made me with a pair of all-seeing eyes, and the ability to choose my appearance. I'm not the only angel around, in this world I need to give reports about Panna to my brothers so they'll take care of it, like demons not behaving themselves. About humans and their internal drama, that's what I'm supposed to handle by presenting this book I've yet to finish, and I don't know how much time I got left before they'd completely ignore what I say.
Fortunately this time, may be the time things will start moving to the right direction.
I see a group of interesting people, each carries their own reason behind them, sets off on a journey to find the answer to their quest. A quest I...honestly don't really care about, but indeed I am interested in one of these people the most.
A girl, who possess the ability of absolute understanding of each other, to read the mind. Look to the eye, that's the only requirement, and she'll learn anyone's thoughts at that instant moment. It would suck if she reads mine, but that's the catch. I have my eyes everywhere, so there goes my thoughts, sent to her no matter how far we are. Though I've learnt how to sort which thought of mine I allow to be sent, sometimes I can't help spilling some information a human shouldn't know about.
But someone like this is what I call interesting, she's like a zoom feature in my primitive world-camera.
She'll help accomplish my duty, she'll help me help humanity and, when it's done, she'll be the one I'll entrust this book to.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Well, rewrote the whole prologue.
Hope this one catches your attention.
edit:
Now I noticed this should go to Fantasy. Oh well..
Hey there, Tuna! I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to get to this piece, but hopefully you can still use some feedback. I see that you've gotten a lot of very helpful reviews, so I'll try to comment on more general things rather than going over things like the grammar errors. ^___^
I. Little Things
So, in the beginning of this piece you use a relatively formal tone, but this sentence is one of a few sentences that breaks that tone by using casual phrasing such as 'too happy' rather than just 'happy'. I believe the sentence could be stronger if you said it without 'too'. Try looking through the rest of this to see other instances where you used the same, fluffy intensifiers for no reason and see if you can make some sentences sound stronger!
This is another example of that same problem. When you say 'all sad', it softens the message and makes it seem wishy-washy. It would be stronger if you said 'her usual red eyes looked sad'.
I love the way that you thought to distinguish between the two possibilities of white hair, Tuna. There are a lot of examples in this piece where you are careful in selecting the details you include, and that is very admirable. You are an excellent story teller. The sentence structure here, however, is kind of confusing. I think it would flow better if you said 'The guy with white hair (white because of bleach, not age) patted her head and said'. I don't know about you, but to me that makes it clearer. ^__^
I don't think 'drilled' is the correct word to use in relation to arrows. Perhaps 'pierced' would be more appropriate.
He won't what? There is no clue in the context surrounding this sentence as to what you're referring to. I don't know if you meant to say something else, but this sentence as it stands makes no sense.
Haha! Tuna! I must commend you. There are many personal snippets like this throughout the section that really bring the reader in to relate to the character. xD The ending of this section, especially, is really humorous in a dark sort of way, and I LOVED IT! Good work.
I think it's great that you add in this idea of being 'marked', but...
Since you mention it here, why not let this be the first mention of being marked? The reader could probably figure out what being marked would mean [that the bad people would be able to follow], so you don't even really need to explain it like you did. ^___^
When does this occur in the story? I thought everyone had already left this character, but then he is able to speak to someone? I'm confused. Please clarify!
II. Big Things
-- Keeping Secret Characters
So, I know that you are trying to keep the identities of some of the characters secret from the readers, but I'm not exactly sure why. If it's imperative later in the story that we don't know who we're actually dealing with, I suppose that's okay, but for now I don't see the problem.
A problem that arises with keep the characters secret, though, is that it sometimes sounds awkward when you refer to a character as 'the girl'. If you're able to give them all names, then do so, but if not, maybe refer to some defining characteristic about that specific girl, like 'the girl with red hair' or something like that.
-- Main Action Deaths
I think that the beginning of this piece is darkly beautiful and having a death at the beginning is something kind of shocking. You wrote it in a way that it doesn't seem cheesy at all, but then the rest of the pieces each include a death as well, so the reader starts to get bored of all the dying. It sounds cruel and weird, but it's true. You need to have at least a little action between the deaths, so that we can try to grasp on to what it's normally like, or we'll lose interest quickly. See if you can't have one of those characters live and escape some how, or else just don't go into such deep detail with each of them.
-- Overall
In general, this is a beautiful piece. I love that you have a majestic tone to some descriptive parts, but you keep the tone lighter when you delve into the characters. You really are a skilled writer, and I hope that you can keep learning about writing style so that this becomes a book that is not only well-written in relation to the story, but also in relation to grammar and sentence structure.
PM me if you have any questions or if you'd like anything else reviewed. ^___^
-Hannah-
Hey!
Alright, here I am, FINALLY reviewing this work. xP
'Stood' should be 'stand' because you used 'would sit' at the beginning, and the 'would' is now applying for the rest of the verbs in this sentence. Using 'stood' does not make any sense. In that sentence the only probelm is the 'stood', and everything else is good, so I applaud you for that.
I've found if you use the same word in a sentence, it sounds ugly. Get rid of the second 'this' completely, replace it with 'a'. Also, reading over the sentence, I don't even like the first this. It would sound much better as, 'A little girl would show up and look at me, with the same red eyes'. I don't know why, but that sentence just lost me.
What? Okay, first, you keep changing tenses. Either this story is in the past or it's in the present tense. You need to stop switching. For your story purposes, I think you should stick with past tense. That means this sentence would sound like, 'I thought I could tell the others about this strange feeling, but when I looked at her, it seemed like she understood straight away, as if I just had a full conversation with her, and she would say, "Let's go, the others were looking for you."
Also, you need to change those puncutation marks, because you're saying she would say something. And I hate the 'as if I had a full conversation with her' thing, but rather it sounds better as 'as if I had just spoken with her' in my opinon.
Take out randomly, since the reason and action isn't random. It also sounds better. =}
Alright, so after the astriks and we're getting to the story, I get lost. First, because of the tense. I still don't know whether this is past or present we're in. Next, I have no idea what's happening. Weren't we just falling? And now we're getting stabbed? Very violently? And now you're telling me about past experiences? *is lost* WAIT! You didn't fall down the waterfall, someone else did? I am completely and utterly lost.
The owner of the blade speaks. He sounds like a cricket, but the voice...
Yep. I fixed it. =}
Fixed it stands like: "Last words? Hmm, let's see." I manage to speak clearly at first, but before long blood bursts out of my mouth.
I dunno. Sounds better. =}
So he asked you what you said? How did you respond?
WAY too much puncation. 'get out of here'. No exclamation point. =}
And that is your last thought? After your head comes off you're still thinking? Interesting.
This whole part kind of confused me.... yeah.
Alright. So, towards the end, I began to understand the differnet parts. Kind of. I think you're just speaking of all the people that die. To make early indicators, though, you should definately use names for the people.
So, there you have it. PM me for any questions, comments... anything.
Love & Blessings,
Aushy
Hey, got your request. =D
So, my corrections will be in bold within the quotation boxes, mkayy?
So, lets get started, shall we?
Wouldn't you want to use another analogy instead of dancing? If your MC can't swim, then wouldn't their flailing about in water be less than graceful?
Don't you mean voices? Or just voice? If so, then I would change "their" to "his".
I wouldn't quite use the word "looking" that close together.
Try something like, "looking out the window and down at me."
Change "found" to "find".
Ahh, I wouldn't put "she asked" there. If you want to put it in, put it in after the question mark. Hoever, if it doesn't matter, I'd change "she asked" to "she exclaimed" or something of the like.
"Ok" is either "OK" or "okay".
Okay... this whole paragraph is kind of wacky in my opinion. Lets see... I'd personally change it to something like...
"I gasped; I imagine Jade would have if she breathed. And now I feel the same as the other two did before me, I imagine. Dying for the sake of others doesn't feel that bad."
See, it keeps the same meaning, but its just worded differently...
Ahh, I really, really liked this.
And English isn't your first language? Wow. Kudos to you, my friend.
This is really interesting. I'm confused since I don't really know what's going on, but it kind of has to be confusing, hmm, since its the prologue...
I do have to admit, though, that the transition to different characters was a little awkward. Maybe it was just me. (I'm not used to reading things in present tense.
I'd really like to know when you get more up, so make sure you try to let me know, yeah?
-Basket-
Oooo...this is intriguing
I would split this sentence up. 'The pain is still bearable. I've experienced being stabbed before and I've had a couple of arrows drilled through my ribs and arms, so it wasn't anything I couldn't handle.'
I love how nonchalantly he says this. Like, 'oh yeah, I've been stabbed before, no big deal.'
I don't see the purpose of 'not golden'. I think you could take it out.
Also, is a new person narrating now? If so, you should make that a little more obvious.
Whoa. Does she only have one eye or does she have one red, one other color?
Characters:
I don't really feel connected to any of the characters. I don't know enough about them at all. I don't even really know how many characters we're dealing with here. I think you should slow down a little, and at least establish all of the character's names and basic relations with with another.
With Jade, explain what an android is. Why doesn't she breathe? Why will she never get 'marked'?
Plot:
This plot kind of confuses me. It moves so fast, I'm not 100% sure what's going on. Why all of the killing? Who are these demons? Who's the princess? Who's the king? I understand that all of these will probably get answered later in the story but right now that's what I'm wondering.
Overall:
First of all, I just want to say that I think it's awesome that you're from Indonesia.
I think what will help this story out the most is if you just slow down. The pace of the story is so fast and it's kind of hard to keep up. Slow down a little. Give me more background and descriptions, especially with the characters.
Nice start, keep it up
-Carly
Alright, I added a flashback to the first waterfall part, to at least give a reason why he's there.
Lots of small changes here and there too, added and cut down some parts.
Like Evi said, I also thought the 4th part is not that great, and seemed out of place. It's the only part that has no plot, just some story that even the readers don't know what it's about. So I'm thinking of removing this part and putting it on the first chapter, after changing some stuff here and there ofc. But meanwhile I'm going to keep it here just in case someone have a better idea on what to do with that part.
Thanks for the reviews! Please come and comment on this again if it seems necessary.
cheers
Tuna
Hey Tuna! Since you already have a lot of opinions and I'm running short on time with a lot more reviews to finish, I'm just going to go over some main points. Ya? ^_^
All of this 'cough cough' stuff, while I understand what you're aiming for, isn't very professional.
I don't like this whole chunk. It's too scatter-brained,too all over the place. There's no one clear idea that I can pick from this, except maybe you're unhappy with being killed, which is already assumed.
I don't get what ou mean in the first sentence. What does who not understand, and why is this bad?
Although I do think he's a bit to calm for someone plummeting to their death, you do pull this off surprisingly well and I don't think there's much wrong with this section, except for grammar, maybe. All throughout this piece you're missing one main method of punctuation:
Semi-colons
Here is a short tutorial on semi-colons and how to use them. Basically, semi-colons are used to seperate two full sentences. So semi-colons are exactly like periods! A lot of times here in your story you're using commas where you should be using semi-colons.
Except for the confusing areas I pointed out, this was...strange, but good. Again, he'd be in an EXTREME amount of pain here. In fact, he'd probably be dead the moment he was speared. Add a bit more of that gut-wrenching pain, and perhaps tone down the flippant "oh look I'm dying how unfortunate" attitude, hmm?
This is where you characters are really getting muddled and confused. So far, if I've got this right, there are five people to start with. Three guys, a girl, and an android. Two of the guys have died. Now, the only three left are the girl, her brother, and the brother's creation, an android made to entertain his sister.
...
Is that right? If so, good, but that still took too much concentration on my part to get that. Try clarifying a bit more when you're talking about 'her' or 'them' and say something like, "The sister" or "The brother" or "Jade", since we know her name for sure now.
This is my least favorite section. It's a whole bunch of telling, a whole bunch of background info that we don't fully grasp or comprehend just yet, because we haven't gotton to know your characters just yet. I suggest reworking this a bit, focusing less on the past on more on what the girl is doing right now-- running through the forest, maybe? I can't help you much here, because I've really got to go.
Also. Spell out any numbers under 101. Actually, spell out any numbers that can be spelled with only two words (three-housand, twelve-hundred). Using numerals is so yesterday.
Okay! Hope this was helpful! Overall, I think you have an incredibly solid start to something very interesting, and you've got some real talent for someone with another first language.
~Evi
Hello!
I'll go over the first part with some nitpicks as I see you have added some extra description in to since it was previously gone over and I think I can spot some little errors, I'll mostly focus on the overall beginning though as you wanted 
This is a quite peaceful beginning, very beautiful but I can see what you mean in that it doesn't really grab the readers attention. What I'd maybe think about doing to make this part more gripping would be to describe how the character is feeling physically and showing more of him being scared. I quite like how you start with description and introducing the reader to what is actually going on, I think before he looks down though maybe you could talk about him restraining his feelings of terror- for instance when he is freefalling and commenting on how it is quite pleasant, maybe you could say something about how his heart is thumping or how his throat is dry or something like that? Here's an example of how I think you could slip some of these bits in-
I can't swim even if I'm in the water, so I look more like I'm dancing than swimming. I can hear my heartbeat thumping in my ears and my stomach is twisted into knots but I won't scream.
In the last paragraph, just before he does finally look down I think you could step up the fear, perhaps his pulse rate quickens and his eyes sting from the force of falling? Anything that shows how fast he is going and the terror that he is finding it increasingly hard to suppress I think would work well in involving the reader in the sensation too
You comment on how beautiful the scenery is and I do think the description works well
I do think though that there isn't that much that needs to be added at all to this first part to make it more of an exciting opening, if I were you I'd only slip in some extra bits here and there about how the character is feeling physically and how his surroundings are changing as he falls- the description is good but maybe would be mroe engaging were it related to the threat of impact. I did read the rest of your story and thought it was brilliantly done! Considering this is your third language as well you have managed to write quite beautifully with only little mistakes that I'm sure will become less and less as you continue. If you need me at all to focus on any other parts just let me know and I'd be happy to
Thanks for the reviews again!
@KJ
I think the description part is the thing I'm having problems with. I added some descriptions to the first part, but I don't think it works that well. My friend said she doesn't like them, she said it's either there's too much description, or these descriptions don't really interest her as the reader.
So according to my friend, the first part has the most problem. Either it's too boring to catch the reader's attention, or too much description, or I'm putting some entirely wrong components for that part.
She said the rest is fine though.
So, yeah. What should I do with them?
Hi, Tuna. The nitpicks have pretty much been covered, so I'll leave that department alone. I just wanted to give you a few tips that occured to me as I skimmed.
One, try to connect your sentences more. Most of the time you had periods when you could insert a comma and make the sentence longer and flow better. I felt like I was being jerked around on a roller coaster the way your story is set up right now.
Two, your descriptions. They could be much richer. This is what bothered me most, actually. The waterfall you mentioned several time, but what does the waterfall LOOK like? Is the water clear? Blue? Can you see the bottom of the pool? Is it cool to the touch? Details, Tuna, details.
That's all for now, I think. There were some punctuation mistakes, but nothing you can't find yourself. Overall, a very creative and interesting beginning. I enjoyed the dialogue and the title is what really caught my attention. Good job.
Keep writing. You show a lot of talent.
KJ
Hey Tuna! Sorry this took so long. Anyway, just remember that all these are my suggestions - and since English isn't your first language (you do write in it very well, though!) I'll start with some grammar & wording stuff.
Ooookay, so that was a lot. The main thing I think you had trouble with the verb tenses, switching between past and present tense. I switched the main parts into present because I thought that worked better, but which ever you want is fine, as long as it's consistent.
This was beautifully written, Tuna. It was a little confusing at first with the switching viewpoints, but it was okay because I slowly understood how they all tied in together - not fully, but sort of, which is enough. I don't think you need names to clarify, the ***s are enough.
Hope this helped, though I have no suggestions besides grammar ^__^ Good luck, and post the next part soon!
Thank you for the review! I'm a bit moved
The whole character changing thing is confusing, I know. I guess I should've asked in the tips section first, because this is not the only thing that will be a bit different from how normal novel is like.
So, should I put the character's name before a '* * *' like some piece I've read here? I was intending to keep their names a secret, which I admit I kind of messed up at the last part, revealing the girl and the android's name(and the android one is not that clear either, I really need to clear this up correctly...)
Also, well, English is more like my third language, but I've been dealing with it for a couple of years so the only real problem is the cultural difference, really, I think...
Anyways, thanks again!
Hello.
I admire this, assuming that English is your second language.
This isn't a complete thought.
In my mind, you could do one of two things:
OR, if you don't want it to be a complete thought,
(Either have a verb with the correct ending, or don't have a verb at all).
Hmm... the word 'together' doesn't work here, but I'm not sure I can explain why.
'with cool sensation' should be 'with a cool sensation'
Also, the sentence ends after 'my face.' You need a period, not a comma.
If your referring to the waterfall, use 'this' instead of 'it.'
Also, I'm not sure what 'it' and 'them' refers to. If they refer to the same thing, they should "match in number."
Notice that 'it' is singular, referring to one thing.
'Them' is plural, referring to many things.
'As' should be 'if.'
Run away from what?
'All these' should be 'all of these things,' or 'all of these ideas.'
'These' is an adjective, which must describe a person, place, or thing.
This should be 'would be the time.'
This should be 'I am suddenly able' or 'I suddenly am able.'
This doesn't make sense.
This also doesn't make sense. A realization of your life? What does that mean?
The word 'screwed' is informal. The rest of this piece is written in a formal way. Don't use informal words in formal writing.
Due to the length of this piece, the rest of my critique will focus only on its content.
Is this the same character who fell into the waterfall? If not, don't write about him in first person, (which uses the words 'I' and 'me' to refer to the character).
Adgljkahsdf adf ahjdgf fgiofhjf aeio? This is hard to read.
What friend?
'Friend' should be 'friends,' because you are referring to more than one person.
Haha... jeez. I can't think of what to say here. This is very interesting.
Who are 'they?' What exactly do you mean by 'marked one of us.'
This confused me. I'm having difficulty telling the characters apart. They all seem too similar.
What mission?
I couldn't help but point this out. 'Heads' should be 'head.'
This is a good paragraph.
Are you changing to a different character? If so, don't write in first person.
I don't like how you changed the setting and character. It seemed a bit too random.
If you didn't change the setting and the main character, then I'm not sure what you did.
I'm slightly confused.
Which character was the android?
Overall, this was very interesting, but it was hard to read. There were a lot of grammar mistakes that I didn't point out.
Regardless of the many grammar mistakes, I am impressed with how well you know English.
Keep writing. Keep learning.