Book of Raziel - Prologue [Rewrote] • Young Writers Society

Book of Raziel - Prologue [Rewrote]

Hello everyone!

This is my first piece here, which is just a prologue to the real story.

I'm sorry if I have lots of mistakes, I don't write things in English that much.

So, well, Enjoy!

Tuna

edit:

changed the whole prologue, I realized the way I write the old one is too rushed, and didn't think about how the reader thinks.

Prologue

An angel I created you, among many, blessed with few traits of man.

You are given vision of all, and with that you shall share what you see with the few who I claim needs them.

I therefor ask -not order- you to do a task, to write a book for man.

You then shall decide whether or not to do this task, as decision is one of the ability an angel like you normally do not posess.

You shall watch over the whole world of Panna and,

I shall watch over you.

I will name you, Raziel.

***

You may think I should shoot myself, with a gun, bomb, or pineapple, whatever object that would hurt when it hits someone. I'm not sure how the last one would work. But who are you to tell me what you think? A human is all you are; you may anger, you may whine, to Gramps or my fellow angel, but not me. Alone is how the arrogant walks, and arrogance is what makes man. I am not with you.

Pride - what each man brings to reach greater potential. Without it they are bound to never advance, but with it they are cursed to sacrifice other things to make steps for their foot, even among themselves. All the time they have would bring them back, not forward, as they work their way to massacre and extinction. When ignorance overwhelms, there's nothing else that can save them, not even me.

I mean, I wouldn't.

Whatever they learn, whatever they conquer, they would only want to keep as much as possible for themselves, or their family, or their clan or kingdom or whatever. Exclusivity causes them to war against each other, and that never change even since I watch over them back when Gramps created Luther, the first human, and Calla, his companion. Someone has to teach them other than fighting to survive and fulfill their passion. Someone has to teach them that human, like a colony of ant or a group of birds, are one. This is like asking for world peace, and though I wish for it to happen, I wouldn't be bothered to do it. Too much effort, won't do, would you?

Unfortunately, the angel Raziel, the one that has to present the human a book from other than their own view, the one that was given the task to stop them to destroy themselves and around them, - happens to be me.

Out of all the good traits that can be found elsewhere, why did Gramps have to include the traits of human unto me? To compensate my ability to learn, I was made to be dumb, and as expected from any other people, when given a task as big as this, I would...whine.

But I was obedient when my memory was still fresh. I still remember that time shortly after Gramps made me, I was pretty much like:

"All right, lets do it! Lets write this book about humanity and for humanity!

I was excited, I was full of energy.

I was lost.

I'm way older than human race, that's when I felt embarassed when I spent decades looking around Panna just to figure out they haven't even existed yet.

They were cute, you know, these humans. Cute and stupid, which equates to entertaining to watch. At least, that's what I thought they were, until I got to know them better.

"O, holy Raziel, why do I suffer from famine and poverty when I have treated others kindly as you taught us to?"

"Everything has its reason, and you will be rewarded according to His greater plan"

Well, what else could I say? I was more confused after hearing his response, though.

"So, can you give me wealth right now?"

"Me?"

"Yes"

"Right now? Give you wealth?"

"Yes. And some clothes."

This was around the time I stopped showing up in front of them. I mean, what am I? A genie?

Now, you must think I'm a cruel angel, lazy, indecent, or should just go shoot myself. Well, too bad. It's also one of human's traits to 'kiss-ass' to something more powerful, in the end they will stab me with the knife I gift them to when they can.

If I show up again around this time, they'd shoot me and capture me for show and tell, thinking they can handle everything themselves. But hell, this was exactly why I whine a lot. I'm an angel, and so I have some sort of obligation towards them. I couldn't just ditch my duty like this, so I tried another approach...

...which was to to blend in the human society as one, because I learned from experience, that looking is not enough, you also have to touch it to see if it's real.

...I just realized that sounded very misleading.

I mean, to know by looking is not as good as to understand by asking. That's a better way of saying it.

As an angel in the human-relation department, Gramps made me with a pair of all-seeing eyes, and the ability to choose my appearance. I'm not the only angel around, in this world I need to give reports about Panna to my brothers so they'll take care of it, like demons not behaving themselves. About humans and their internal drama, that's what I'm supposed to handle by presenting this book I've yet to finish, and I don't know how much time I got left before they'd completely ignore what I say.

Fortunately this time, may be the time things will start moving to the right direction.

I see a group of interesting people, each carries their own reason behind them, sets off on a journey to find the answer to their quest. A quest I...honestly don't really care about, but indeed I am interested in one of these people the most.

A girl, who possess the ability of absolute understanding of each other, to read the mind. Look to the eye, that's the only requirement, and she'll learn anyone's thoughts at that instant moment. It would suck if she reads mine, but that's the catch. I have my eyes everywhere, so there goes my thoughts, sent to her no matter how far we are. Though I've learnt how to sort which thought of mine I allow to be sent, sometimes I can't help spilling some information a human shouldn't know about.

But someone like this is what I call interesting, she's like a zoom feature in my primitive world-camera.

She'll help accomplish my duty, she'll help me help humanity and, when it's done, she'll be the one I'll entrust this book to.

Comments

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Mon Oct 19, 2009 1:11 pm

Crouching Tuna says...

Well, rewrote the whole prologue.
Hope this one catches your attention.
edit:
Now I noticed this should go to Fantasy. Oh well..

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Tue Jul 14, 2009 10:45 pm

Hannah wrote a review...

Hey there, Tuna! I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to get to this piece, but hopefully you can still use some feedback. I see that you've gotten a lot of very helpful reviews, so I'll try to comment on more general things rather than going over things like the grammar errors. ^___^

I. Little Things

They wouldn't be too happy if they found me dead down here.

So, in the beginning of this piece you use a relatively formal tone, but this sentence is one of a few sentences that breaks that tone by using casual phrasing such as 'too happy' rather than just 'happy'. I believe the sentence could be stronger if you said it without 'too'. Try looking through the rest of this to see other instances where you used the same, fluffy intensifiers for no reason and see if you can make some sentences sound stronger!

She just looked at me, with her usual red eyes but looked all sad, fearing this might be the last time she'll see me.

This is another example of that same problem. When you say 'all sad', it softens the message and makes it seem wishy-washy. It would be stronger if you said 'her usual red eyes looked sad'.

The guy with white hair, of bleach not age, patted her head and said

I love the way that you thought to distinguish between the two possibilities of white hair, Tuna. There are a lot of examples in this piece where you are careful in selecting the details you include, and that is very admirable. You are an excellent story teller. The sentence structure here, however, is kind of confusing. I think it would flow better if you said 'The guy with white hair (white because of bleach, not age) patted her head and said'. I don't know about you, but to me that makes it clearer. ^__^

I just realized, the waterfall is pretty high

I've had a couple of arrows drilled through my ribs and arms,

I don't think 'drilled' is the correct word to use in relation to arrows. Perhaps 'pierced' would be more appropriate.

Obviously, he won't.

He won't what? There is no clue in the context surrounding this sentence as to what you're referring to. I don't know if you meant to say something else, but this sentence as it stands makes no sense.

A simple hi can't hurt, so I wave my hand at her. Unfortunately that is when my head flies, with my hand still raised. Oh I must look ridiculous...

Haha! Tuna! I must commend you. There are many personal snippets like this throughout the section that really bring the reader in to relate to the character. xD The ending of this section, especially, is really humorous in a dark sort of way, and I LOVED IT! Good work.

Now I'm sure they’ve got one of us ‘marked’, the mark that turns their appetite on and allows them to trace us wherever we go.

I think it's great that you add in this idea of being 'marked', but...

Unfortunately, they have marked one of us.

Since you mention it here, why not let this be the first mention of being marked? The reader could probably figure out what being marked would mean [that the bad people would be able to follow], so you don't even really need to explain it like you did. ^___^

Jade looks at me, her usual expressionless face giving me a slight confidence, “What is the order, Master?”

I smile, close my eyes, and open my mouth, “No orders. Just buy enough time to assure her safety.”

When does this occur in the story? I thought everyone had already left this character, but then he is able to speak to someone? I'm confused. Please clarify!

II. Big Things

-- Keeping Secret Characters

So, I know that you are trying to keep the identities of some of the characters secret from the readers, but I'm not exactly sure why. If it's imperative later in the story that we don't know who we're actually dealing with, I suppose that's okay, but for now I don't see the problem.

A problem that arises with keep the characters secret, though, is that it sometimes sounds awkward when you refer to a character as 'the girl'. If you're able to give them all names, then do so, but if not, maybe refer to some defining characteristic about that specific girl, like 'the girl with red hair' or something like that.

-- Main Action Deaths

I think that the beginning of this piece is darkly beautiful and having a death at the beginning is something kind of shocking. You wrote it in a way that it doesn't seem cheesy at all, but then the rest of the pieces each include a death as well, so the reader starts to get bored of all the dying. It sounds cruel and weird, but it's true. You need to have at least a little action between the deaths, so that we can try to grasp on to what it's normally like, or we'll lose interest quickly. See if you can't have one of those characters live and escape some how, or else just don't go into such deep detail with each of them.

-- Overall

In general, this is a beautiful piece. I love that you have a majestic tone to some descriptive parts, but you keep the tone lighter when you delve into the characters. You really are a skilled writer, and I hope that you can keep learning about writing style so that this becomes a book that is not only well-written in relation to the story, but also in relation to grammar and sentence structure.

PM me if you have any questions or if you'd like anything else reviewed. ^___^

-Hannah-

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Sun Jun 28, 2009 6:25 pm

GoldenQuill wrote a review...

Hey!
Alright, here I am, FINALLY reviewing this work. xP

I would sit and face the sky for hours, or stood beside a pond, ignoring everything else and just tried to listen to this stranger inside.

'Stood' should be 'stand' because you used 'would sit' at the beginning, and the 'would' is now applying for the rest of the verbs in this sentence. Using 'stood' does not make any sense. In that sentence the only probelm is the 'stood', and everything else is good, so I applaud you for that.

This is when this little girl would show up and looked at me, with the same red eyes.

I've found if you use the same word in a sentence, it sounds ugly. Get rid of the second 'this' completely, replace it with 'a'. Also, reading over the sentence, I don't even like the first this. It would sound much better as, 'A little girl would show up and look at me, with the same red eyes'. I don't know why, but that sentence just lost me.

I thought I can tell the others about this strange feeling, but when I look at her, it seemed like she understood straight away, as if I just had a full conversation with her, and then she would say, 'let's go, the others were looking for you'.

What? Okay, first, you keep changing tenses. Either this story is in the past or it's in the present tense. You need to stop switching. For your story purposes, I think you should stick with past tense. That means this sentence would sound like, 'I thought I could tell the others about this strange feeling, but when I looked at her, it seemed like she understood straight away, as if I just had a full conversation with her, and she would say, "Let's go, the others were looking for you."
Also, you need to change those puncutation marks, because you're saying she would say something. And I hate the 'as if I had a full conversation with her' thing, but rather it sounds better as 'as if I had just spoken with her' in my opinon.

In action movies, this would be the time I am suddenly able to randomly fly to avoid death.

Take out randomly, since the reason and action isn't random. It also sounds better. =}

Alright, so after the astriks and we're getting to the story, I get lost. First, because of the tense. I still don't know whether this is past or present we're in. Next, I have no idea what's happening. Weren't we just falling? And now we're getting stabbed? Very violently? And now you're telling me about past experiences? *is lost* WAIT! You didn't fall down the waterfall, someone else did? I am completely and utterly lost.

"Any last words?" The owner of the blade speaks, he sounds like a cricket, but the voice echoes within his large black armor, good for an eerie voice.

The owner of the blade speaks. He sounds like a cricket, but the voice...
Yep. I fixed it. =}

"Last words? Hmm, lets see," well, I manage to speak clearly at first before blood bursts out of my mouth.

Fixed it stands like: "Last words? Hmm, let's see." I manage to speak clearly at first, but before long blood bursts out of my mouth.
I dunno. Sounds better. =}

If I were that black armored guy, I would just nod and pretend I understand. It would ruin my 'coolness' if I had to ask to repeat what my victim said.
And surprisingly he did what I was thinking! I guess we have something in common...I giggle but end up coughing more blood.

So he asked you what you said? How did you respond?

gesture that says 'get out of here!'.

WAY too much puncation. 'get out of here'. No exclamation point. =}

Oh I must look ridiculous...

And that is your last thought? After your head comes off you're still thinking? Interesting.

Now, if only I can attract their attention...but to my favor, I didn't have to. The one that has the mark is me, and just seconds after she left, I'm surrounded by the demonic hunters. I gasped; I imagine Jade would have if she breathed. And now I feel the same as the other two did before me, I imagine. Dying for the sake of others doesn't feel that bad.
Jade looks at me, her usual expressionless face giving me a slight confidence, “What is the order, Master?”
I smile, close my eyes, and open my mouth, “No orders. Just buy enough time to assure her safety.”
Dying for the sake of others? Noble, but, you do have the choice to not die.
The voice in my head startled me for a second, but whatever miracle that was, I'm sure it was too late. I am now like a helpless chicken among countless hungry alligators. Seventeen years of Bizz's life, now will end in the demon's watery mouths.

This whole part kind of confused me.... yeah.

Alright. So, towards the end, I began to understand the differnet parts. Kind of. I think you're just speaking of all the people that die. To make early indicators, though, you should definately use names for the people.

So, there you have it. PM me for any questions, comments... anything.

Love & Blessings,
Aushy

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Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:21 pm

Phantomofthebasket wrote a review...

Hey, got your request. =D
So, my corrections will be in bold within the quotation boxes, mkayy?
So, lets get started, shall we?

I can't swim even if I'm in the water, so I look more I'm like dancing than swimming.

Wouldn't you want to use another analogy instead of dancing? If your MC can't swim, then wouldn't their flailing about in water be less than graceful?

Their voices twirls in my head,

Don't you mean voices? Or just voice? If so, then I would change "their" to "his".

I see a girl, dressed in black and purple gothic fashion, looking down the window, looking at me.

I wouldn't quite use the word "looking" that close together.
Try something like, "looking out the window and down at me."

situation where two of my best friends died with hope to let the rest survive?

before they found you."

Change "found" to "find".

"But, that would mean Brother is not putting the mission on first priority? Brother doesn't have to wait here to hold them off!" she asked.

Ahh, I wouldn't put "she asked" there. If you want to put it in, put it in after the question mark. Hoever, if it doesn't matter, I'd change "she asked" to "she exclaimed" or something of the like.

"Ok, go now!" I shout. She nods, and runs into the Dead Woods.

"Ok" is either "OK" or "okay". :wink:

The two of us nearly gasped, except Jade doesn't breathe in the first place so the only one that gasps is me. Now I feel the same way as the other two that died before me. Dying for the sake of others doesn't feel that bad.

Okay... this whole paragraph is kind of wacky in my opinion. Lets see... I'd personally change it to something like...
"I gasped; I imagine Jade would have if she breathed. And now I feel the same as the other two did before me, I imagine. Dying for the sake of others doesn't feel that bad."
See, it keeps the same meaning, but its just worded differently...

Ahh, I really, really liked this.
And English isn't your first language? Wow. Kudos to you, my friend.

This is really interesting. I'm confused since I don't really know what's going on, but it kind of has to be confusing, hmm, since its the prologue...
I do have to admit, though, that the transition to different characters was a little awkward. Maybe it was just me. (I'm not used to reading things in present tense.

)

I'd really like to know when you get more up, so make sure you try to let me know, yeah?
-Basket-

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Fri Jun 19, 2009 3:55 pm

Carlito wrote a review...

Crouching Tuna wrote:A splash of water in the pool of a waterfall, with ((leaves)) a cool sensation as the water vapor touches my face.

Crouching Tuna wrote: The shrubs and trees around are so dense they don't let any sunlight fall[s]s[/s], and if there's any, it gives a clear shades of green that paints the grottoes behind the falling waters in a shimmering emerald's glow.

Crouching Tuna wrote:I would call them beautiful, but I don't dare enjoy them.

Oooo...this is intriguing

Crouching Tuna wrote:I'm not sure how some of my blood ended up in my white bleached hair, [s]but I'm just glad the color didn't mix to pink.[/s]

Crouching Tuna wrote:The pain is still bearable, and I've experienced getting my body stabbed through before; had couple of arrows drilling through my ribs and arms.

I would split this sentence up. 'The pain is still bearable. I've experienced being stabbed before and I've had a couple of arrows drilled through my ribs and arms, so it wasn't anything I couldn't handle.'
I love how nonchalantly he says this. Like, 'oh yeah, I've been stabbed before, no big deal.'

Crouching Tuna wrote:A simple hi can't hurt, so I wave my hand at her. Unfortunately that is when my head flies, with my hand still raised. Oh I must look ridiculous...

Crouching Tuna wrote:We are silent, not golden, but bloody.

I don't see the purpose of 'not golden'. I think you could take it out.
Also, is a new person narrating now? If so, you should make that a little more obvious.

Crouching Tuna wrote:Her usual blazing red eye now looks blank and damp with tears.

Whoa. Does she only have one eye or does she have one red, one other color?

Characters:
I don't really feel connected to any of the characters. I don't know enough about them at all. I don't even really know how many characters we're dealing with here. I think you should slow down a little, and at least establish all of the character's names and basic relations with with another.
With Jade, explain what an android is. Why doesn't she breathe? Why will she never get 'marked'?

Plot:
This plot kind of confuses me. It moves so fast, I'm not 100% sure what's going on. Why all of the killing? Who are these demons? Who's the princess? Who's the king? I understand that all of these will probably get answered later in the story but right now that's what I'm wondering.

Overall:
First of all, I just want to say that I think it's awesome that you're from Indonesia.

Also, I think your English is really, really good. There were teeny tiny mistakes and that's all.
I think what will help this story out the most is if you just slow down. The pace of the story is so fast and it's kind of hard to keep up. Slow down a little. Give me more background and descriptions, especially with the characters.

Nice start, keep it up

-Carly

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Mon Jun 15, 2009 10:20 am

Crouching Tuna says...

Alright, I added a flashback to the first waterfall part, to at least give a reason why he's there.

Lots of small changes here and there too, added and cut down some parts.

Like Evi said, I also thought the 4th part is not that great, and seemed out of place. It's the only part that has no plot, just some story that even the readers don't know what it's about. So I'm thinking of removing this part and putting it on the first chapter, after changing some stuff here and there ofc. But meanwhile I'm going to keep it here just in case someone have a better idea on what to do with that part.

Thanks for the reviews! Please come and comment on this again if it seems necessary.

cheers
Tuna

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Sun Jun 14, 2009 3:48 pm

Evi wrote a review...

Hey Tuna! Since you already have a lot of opinions and I'm running short on time with a lot more reviews to finish, I'm just going to go over some main points. Ya? ^_^

"Last words? Hmm, lets see, [s]cough, cough[/s]." Well, I manage to speak clearly at first before blood bursts out of my mouth.

All of this 'cough cough' stuff, while I understand what you're aiming for, isn't very professional. :wink:

You put it inside the quotations as if he was actually saying, "Cough! Cough!" which obviously isn't the case. Instead, just stick with the description of the coughing and you're getting the effect across even better.

I don't like this situation at all. I feel the cold steel within my body, stabbing right through my lungs. It's not very pleasant, but that's not the reason why I don't like this. Yes it does hurt, but that's not the reason either. I lost to a fight, against this...hell I'm not even sure who I'm fighting with. No, it's not because I don't like this guy either.

I don't like this whole chunk. It's too scatter-brained,too all over the place. There's no one clear idea that I can pick from this, except maybe you're unhappy with being killed, which is already assumed. :lol:

I'd suggest scrapping this rambling and going for something that pinpoints your character's emotions better.

Wait, if he doesn't understand, then this is bad! I quickly move my hand, showing my friends a gesture that says 'get out of here!'. They understand, except for the girl, who was crying, having to watch me like this. After she is dragged a bit by the other two, they all finally move away.

I don't get what ou mean in the first sentence. What does who not understand, and why is this bad?

:arrow:

Section One: waterfall dying dude

Although I do think he's a bit to calm for someone plummeting to their death, you do pull this off surprisingly well and I don't think there's much wrong with this section, except for grammar, maybe. All throughout this piece you're missing one main method of punctuation:

Semi-colons

Here is a short tutorial on semi-colons and how to use them. Basically, semi-colons are used to seperate two full sentences. So semi-colons are exactly like periods! A lot of times here in your story you're using commas where you should be using semi-colons.

:arrow:

Section Two: guy being stabbed

Except for the confusing areas I pointed out, this was...strange, but good. Again, he'd be in an EXTREME amount of pain here. In fact, he'd probably be dead the moment he was speared. Add a bit more of that gut-wrenching pain, and perhaps tone down the flippant "oh look I'm dying how unfortunate" attitude, hmm?

It's bordering on ridiculously unrealistic.

:arrow:

Section three: let's split up!

This is where you characters are really getting muddled and confused. So far, if I've got this right, there are five people to start with. Three guys, a girl, and an android. Two of the guys have died. Now, the only three left are the girl, her brother, and the brother's creation, an android made to entertain his sister.

...

Is that right? If so, good, but that still took too much concentration on my part to get that. Try clarifying a bit more when you're talking about 'her' or 'them' and say something like, "The sister" or "The brother" or "Jade", since we know her name for sure now.

:arrow:

Last Section: what am I doing here?

This is my least favorite section. It's a whole bunch of telling, a whole bunch of background info that we don't fully grasp or comprehend just yet, because we haven't gotton to know your characters just yet. I suggest reworking this a bit, focusing less on the past on more on what the girl is doing right now-- running through the forest, maybe? I can't help you much here, because I've really got to go.

Then, there were 5 brave men, two of which were a girl and an android. They barely knew each other 12 years ago,

Also. Spell out any numbers under 101. Actually, spell out any numbers that can be spelled with only two words (three-housand, twelve-hundred). Using numerals is so yesterday.

Okay! Hope this was helpful! Overall, I think you have an incredibly solid start to something very interesting, and you've got some real talent for someone with another first language. :lol:

Good luck, and PM me if you need anything!

~Evi

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Sun Jun 14, 2009 1:11 pm

Pippiedooda wrote a review...

Hello! I'll go over the first part with some nitpicks as I see you have added some extra description in to since it was previously gone over and I think I can spot some little errors, I'll mostly focus on the overall beginning though as you wanted

A splash of water in the pool of a waterfall, with a cool sensation as the water vapor touches my face. The shrubs and trees around are so dense they [s]wouldn't[/s] don't let any sunlight fall[s]s[/s], and if there's any, it gives a clear shade[s]s[/s] of green that paints the grottoes behind the falling water[s]s[/s] in a shimmering green light. (You use green twice here, maybe you could change one to something like emerald?) So natural, so deep within the forests, not touched at all by the civilization of humans. I would call them beautiful, but I don't dare enjoy them.
Freefalling feels so nice if you look up or close your eyes. Looking down, however, will make you want to scream and hope you can swim upwards in the air. I can't swim even if I'm in the water, so I look more like I'm dancing than swimming.

If I scream, my friends will worry and look for me. They wouldn't be too happy if they found me dead down here. I hope my death [s]would[/s] will buy all four of them time to run away from the hunters, to save themselves, instead of wasting their time and risking their lives again just to look for my body.

I just realized, the waterfall is pretty high, I can't believe I can think about all of these ideas before I hit the bottom. In action movies, this would be the time I am suddenly able to randomly fly to avoid death. Well, like I was thinking before, I haven't looked down to see how much further until blood splatters everywhere on the rocky plunge pool. So I look[s]ed[/s] down, to the pool of water so clear that I can see the bed of mosses on the bottom, and a sudden realization strikes my mind; It's about time I'm officially screwed.

This is a quite peaceful beginning, very beautiful but I can see what you mean in that it doesn't really grab the readers attention. What I'd maybe think about doing to make this part more gripping would be to describe how the character is feeling physically and showing more of him being scared. I quite like how you start with description and introducing the reader to what is actually going on, I think before he looks down though maybe you could talk about him restraining his feelings of terror- for instance when he is freefalling and commenting on how it is quite pleasant, maybe you could say something about how his heart is thumping or how his throat is dry or something like that? Here's an example of how I think you could slip some of these bits in-

I can't swim even if I'm in the water, so I look more like I'm dancing than swimming. I can hear my heartbeat thumping in my ears and my stomach is twisted into knots but I won't scream.

In the last paragraph, just before he does finally look down I think you could step up the fear, perhaps his pulse rate quickens and his eyes sting from the force of falling? Anything that shows how fast he is going and the terror that he is finding it increasingly hard to suppress I think would work well in involving the reader in the sensation too

You comment on how beautiful the scenery is and I do think the description works well

Maybe though to build some more panic you could relate some of the scene to him falling- like the trees could be blurring past and the wind whistling in his ears. Or the crash of the waterfall pounding against the rocks getting louder and louder as he falls.

I do think though that there isn't that much that needs to be added at all to this first part to make it more of an exciting opening, if I were you I'd only slip in some extra bits here and there about how the character is feeling physically and how his surroundings are changing as he falls- the description is good but maybe would be mroe engaging were it related to the threat of impact. I did read the rest of your story and thought it was brilliantly done! Considering this is your third language as well you have managed to write quite beautifully with only little mistakes that I'm sure will become less and less as you continue. If you need me at all to focus on any other parts just let me know and I'd be happy to

All my comments are just suggestions, hope I've helped and good luck in any future pieces!

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Thu Jun 11, 2009 5:04 am

Crouching Tuna says...

Thanks for the reviews again!

@KJ
I think the description part is the thing I'm having problems with. I added some descriptions to the first part, but I don't think it works that well. My friend said she doesn't like them, she said it's either there's too much description, or these descriptions don't really interest her as the reader.

So according to my friend, the first part has the most problem. Either it's too boring to catch the reader's attention, or too much description, or I'm putting some entirely wrong components for that part.
She said the rest is fine though.

So, yeah. What should I do with them?

Points: 1068
Reviews: 582

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Tue Jun 09, 2009 8:10 pm

KJ wrote a review...

Hi, Tuna. The nitpicks have pretty much been covered, so I'll leave that department alone. I just wanted to give you a few tips that occured to me as I skimmed.

One, try to connect your sentences more. Most of the time you had periods when you could insert a comma and make the sentence longer and flow better. I felt like I was being jerked around on a roller coaster the way your story is set up right now.

Two, your descriptions. They could be much richer. This is what bothered me most, actually. The waterfall you mentioned several time, but what does the waterfall LOOK like? Is the water clear? Blue? Can you see the bottom of the pool? Is it cool to the touch? Details, Tuna, details.

That's all for now, I think. There were some punctuation mistakes, but nothing you can't find yourself. Overall, a very creative and interesting beginning. I enjoyed the dialogue and the title is what really caught my attention. Good job.

Keep writing. You show a lot of talent.

KJ

Points: 6403
Reviews: 312

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Mon Jun 08, 2009 8:10 pm

Mars wrote a review...

Hey Tuna! Sorry this took so long. Anyway, just remember that all these are my suggestions - and since English isn't your first language (you do write in it very well, though!) I'll start with some grammar & wording stuff.

Crouching Tuna wrote:A splash of water in the pool of a waterfall,, only one comma [s]together[/s] I crossed this out because I think it sounds better with a cool sensation as the water vapor touches my face. I would call them beautiful, but I don't dare [s]to[/s] enjoy them.
Freefalling feels so nice if you look up or close your eyes. Looking down, however, will make you want to scream and hope you can swim upwards in the air. I can't swim even if I'm in the water, so I look more like dancing than swimming.
Very very nice beginning.
If I scream, my friends will worry and look for me. They wouldn't be too happy if they found me dead down here. I hope my death would buy all four of them time to run away from the hunters, to save themselves, instead of wasting their time and risking their lives again just to look for my body.

I just realized, the waterfall is pretty high. I can't believe I can think about all of these ideas before I hit the bottom. In action movies, this would be the time I am suddenly able to randomly fly [s]to[/s] and avoid death. Well, like I was thinking before, I haven't looked down to see how much further until blood splatters everywhere on the rocky plunge pool. So I look[s]ed[/s] down, and a sudden realization strikes my mind; it's about time I'm officially screwed.
Again, good beginning and definitely makes me want to read on. But I do think the last paragraph is a little too calm for someone who's about to die...
* * *

In front of me stands an old mansion, and behind me are the woods with dry leaves and corrupted soil called the Dead Woods. Where I stand is my battlefield, dirt covered with blood, burned by the sun that also makes the air damp with my sweat. I'm not sure how some of my blood ended up in my white bleached hair, but I'm just glad the color didn't mix to pink.

I don't like this situation at all. I feel the cold steel within my body, stabbing right through my lungs. It's not very pleasant, but that's not the reason why I don't like this. Yes it does hurt, but that's not the reason either. I lost [s]to[/s] a fight, against this...hell, I'm not even sure who I'm fighting with. No, it's not because I don't like this guy either. At least that idiot that fell down the waterfall doesn't have to be seen by others that he lost, but me, I can feel the humiliation from both my enemy and my other three friends that are watching me from behind.

"Any last words?" The owner of the blade speaks, he sounds like a cricket, but the voice echoes within his large black armor, [s]a[/s] good [s]setup to make[/s] for an eerie voice.

"Last words? Hmm, lets see, cough, cough." Well, I manage to speak clearly at first before blood bursts out of my mouth. I could ignore the pain before, but the more I breathe, the more I wish [s]if[/s] the Angel of Death could kill me now and get it over with. "Just...cough...Leave...Th-them alo-cough-alone..." is what I wish[s]ed[/s] I said, but in reality it sounded like nothing but gibberish, and more coughs of blood.

If I were that black armored guy, I would just nod and pretend I understand. It would ruin my 'coolness' if I had to ask to repeat what my victim said.
And surprisingly he did what I was thinking! I guess we have something in common...I giggle but end[s]ed[/s] up coughing more blood.

"...I shall keep that in mind. Your life now belongs to The Princess," he said. Yes, yes and…what Princess?

Wait, if he doesn't understand, then this is bad! I quickly move my hand, showing my friends a gesture that says 'get out of here!'. They understand, except for the girl, who was crying, having to watch me like this. After [s]being[/s] she is dragged a bit by the other two, they all finally move away.

When they're already nowhere in sight, I face[s]d[/s] the predator again, with challenging eyes that demand[s]s for[/s] a coup. I am now helpless; my head will be severed in seconds. Before I die, I [s]think it's nice to[/s] look around. The mansion, I didn't notice it because of the heat of the battle before but, now I see a girl, dressed in purple and purple gothic fashion, looking down the window, looking at me. Her mouth is covered by the small fan she was holding, she seems like...the princess?

A simple hi can't hurt, so I wave[s]d[/s] my hand at her. Unfortunately that is when my head flies, with my hand still raised. Oh I must look ridiculous...

* * *

The path away from the mansion is still splitting the Dead Woods that decorates our rush. The smoke of dirt dusts the air as the three of us run, though we're not sure where we should go.

We are silent, not golden, but bloody. I love this sentence. Our footsteps are loud, my sister's cry still cuts the ear, but none of us still dare to speak anything. Go ahead and tell me I need a private lesson on how to talk, but what can I really say in a situation where two of my best friends have died with hope to let the rest survive?

"Wait! Don't get too close to the town either, let's just...stop here for now," I say. My voice trembles a bit, it's obvious that I'm very uncertain this time. We all settle[s]d[/s] down, no comma on the side of the path to the mansion where no one dares to walk upon. I try to catch my breath. We haven't run that far but my breath gave up in desperado.

"Listen, you've got to be strong. Stop crying. Look at me," I say while holding my sister's shoulder. Her usual blazing red eye now looks blank and damp with tears. She's in a mess, but this is certainly too much for her. "We have to run away from here. If we die, that will heavily disappoint them for not fulfilling our duty to the 'King'. We were rushing, we underestimated this task, but we can not abandon it. Not now, there is still..."

Before I can finish[s]ed[/s] my speech, a loud explosion suddenly breaks the intensity [s]to another level[/s]. They're quick. If we waste our time? just to be sad, the next place to explode will be here. They'll be here in minutes, those demons. Now I'm sure they’ve got one of us ‘marked’, the mark that turns their appetite on and allows them to trace us wherever we go.

"Listen, no matter where we run, they'll eventually find us. Unfortunately, they have marked one of us. We have to split up. I'm going to stay here with Jade, while you...go to the place we agreed to check on before. That place called Peril." In this kind of situation, my brain suddenly processes only twice as fast, which is not good. "They can't mark Jade because she's an android, not human, so if I have the mark, your movement will be undetected and you'll be safe. If you have the mark, [s]however,[/s] I'll stay here to hold them off, and hopefully you can get rid of it before they found you."

"But, that would mean Brother is not putting the mission on first priority? Brother doesn't have to wait here to hold them off!" she asked.

"If you carry the mark, they'll ignore me if we just [s]simply[/s] split up. No matter how important the King's word is, I can't sacrifice you for the sake of the mission..." I say quietly with my head down. This has got to be the worst case scenario: in both cases I will be hunted down and die. She couldn't say anything, she never disobeys me because I always tell her to do things for her sake. She trusts me. However, in this case, it's not about her trusting me anymore. It's something else.

"So...are you ready?" I ask[s]ed[/s]. She's still quiet, and gave me a big hug for the last time. "...I know this is pretty random to say, but I remember you told me you have an angel taking care of you. You insisted that it's true, but no matter how the rest of us comprehend it, it just sounds silly. But this time, it doesn't matter if the angel exists or not, you just need someone to accompany you, be it angel or anything, just remember, being human also means we cannot survive doing things on our own." I answered her hug, and we stayed like that until another explosion was heard, this time a lot closer than before, along with the shaking ground that forced us to part.

"Ok, go now!" I shout. She nods, and run into the Dead Woods.

Now, if only I can attract their attention...but to my favor, I didn't have to. The one that has the mark is me, and just seconds after she left, I'm surrounded by the demonic hunters. The two of us nearly gasp[s]ed[/s], except Jade doesn't breathe in the first place so the only one that gasps is me. Now I feel the same way as the other two that died before me. Dying for the sake of others, no comma doesn't feel that bad.

Jade looks at me, her usual expressionless face giving me a slight confidence, “What is the order, Master?”

I smile[s]d[/s], close[s]d[/s] my eyes, and open[s]ed[/s] my mouth, “No orders. Just buy enough time to assure her safety.”

Dying for the sake of others? Noble, but, you do have the choice to not die.

The voice in my head startled me for a second, but whatever miracle that was, I'm sure it was too late. I am now like a helpless chicken among countless hungry alligators. Each hunk of meat I have in my body waits to be shredded and end up in their watery mouths.

* * *

Once there were five brave men, two of which [s]of them[/s] were a girl and an android. Together they went on a journey to receive an important mission from the King. I was the girl. I wouldn't put myself together with the other four though; I may be brave, but courage without power is meaningless.

Why am I here then?

Is it because I believe I can make a change? I'm not even sure why we're set on this journey.

Or maybe because I'm bored? No, my life was already interesting before I set off.

Oh my, I can't even ask myself a lot of questions about this. I guess I'm the one with the least reason to be here. The reason was simple. The other four happened to be my only family, my life. I'm not saying I won't survive without them. In fact, I'm putting my life at risk just so I can follow them in this journey. All I want to do is have my life with them, and perhaps I'm wishing how it would be nice if we all can grow old and die at the same time.

I think that sounded a bit strange; well that's me. I've always been alone until I realized I enjoy my time [s]being[/s] with my brother and his friends. We were all orphans, and we always had someone pointing their fingers at us because we're very different compared to them, but that was when we didn’t know each other. Now every family in my hometown is sad every time we walk out of their door. That was when I realized how fun being together is. If we don't have family, why can't we just create one with other people who [s]also[/s] need one?

If I hadn't come with them, I would be alone again. I would be the only orphan there, without any 'real' family. My life would be filled up with worries once again. That's why I was so happy when they let me come with them.

But things don’t always go smoothly.

If they’re really going to die, at least I wouldn't want to know. Now I'm back to being alone, and what's worse is I'm not in my hometown. I don't even have 'fake' families here.

There was once a girl, all alone in her entire life with only her brother to feed her with stolen bread and unripe apples. Good thing her brother was a genius: he invented an android for various reasons, one of them [s]is[/s] to artificially create a friend for his sister. It was a female android, because the brother thought his sister would have more fun dressing the android with whatever pieces of cloth she found in the dump. She was not satisfied with just that, but glad that her brother did such a thing. The brother obviously realized how bad his android was at first, but he never gave up improving it. One day the three of them met two other orphans, and even though they are all different, none of them can deny that they need a family. The brother only said "we can be a family", and that made everyone happy.

Then, there were 5 brave men, two of which were a girl and an android. They barely knew each other 12 years ago, but now they're a family. They promised that they will never leave each other behind, but death broke every promise created among them. Now the girl is alone, running away, leaving her brother and her 'artificial sister' no quotation marks there behind.

All this time, the only reason why the girl ran is to meet her 'family' just 10 seconds earlier, but the reason why she's running now makes her sick. Every sound of footsteps she makes shouts out 'regret'. Today is the worst day of my life. Good thing I still have a little bit of my cheerful side - and so I think, 'let's hope tomorrow be a better day’...

Ooookay, so that was a lot. The main thing I think you had trouble with the verb tenses, switching between past and present tense. I switched the main parts into present because I thought that worked better, but which ever you want is fine, as long as it's consistent.

This was beautifully written, Tuna. It was a little confusing at first with the switching viewpoints, but it was okay because I slowly understood how they all tied in together - not fully, but sort of, which is enough. I don't think you need names to clarify, the ***s are enough.

Hope this helped, though I have no suggestions besides grammar ^__^ Good luck, and post the next part soon!

Points: 1484
Reviews: 8

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Sun Jun 07, 2009 1:52 am

Crouching Tuna says...

Thank you for the review! I'm a bit moved :oops:

The whole character changing thing is confusing, I know. I guess I should've asked in the tips section first, because this is not the only thing that will be a bit different from how normal novel is like.
So, should I put the character's name before a '* * *' like some piece I've read here? I was intending to keep their names a secret, which I admit I kind of messed up at the last part, revealing the girl and the android's name(and the android one is not that clear either, I really need to clear this up correctly...)

Also, well, English is more like my third language, but I've been dealing with it for a couple of years so the only real problem is the cultural difference, really, I think...

Anyways, thanks again!

Points: 890
Reviews: 26

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Sat Jun 06, 2009 5:50 pm

elijah1 wrote a review...

Hello.

I admire this, assuming that English is your second language.

Splash of water falling to the pool of a waterfall,

This isn't a complete thought.
In my mind, you could do one of two things:

Water splashes into the pool of a waterfall,

OR, if you don't want it to be a complete thought,

A splash of water in the pool of a waterfall,

(Either have a verb with the correct ending, or don't have a verb at all).

together with cool sensation as the water vapor touches my face,

Hmm... the word 'together' doesn't work here, but I'm not sure I can explain why.
'with cool sensation' should be 'with a cool sensation'
Also, the sentence ends after 'my face.' You need a period, not a comma.

I would call it beautiful, but I don't dare to enjoy them.

If your referring to the waterfall, use 'this' instead of 'it.'
Also, I'm not sure what 'it' and 'them' refers to. If they refer to the same thing, they should "match in number."
Notice that 'it' is singular, referring to one thing.
'Them' is plural, referring to many things.

as you look up or close your eyes

'As' should be 'if.'

I hope my death would buy all four of them time to run away

Run away from what?

I can think about all these before I hit the bottom.

'All these' should be 'all of these things,' or 'all of these ideas.'
'These' is an adjective, which must describe a person, place, or thing.

would be time

This should be 'would be the time.'

I suddenly able

This should be 'I am suddenly able' or 'I suddenly am able.'

fly-for-god-knows-how

This doesn't make sense.

a sudden realization of my life strikes my mind

This also doesn't make sense. A realization of your life? What does that mean?

It's about time I'm officially screwed.

The word 'screwed' is informal. The rest of this piece is written in a formal way. Don't use informal words in formal writing.

Due to the length of this piece, the rest of my critique will focus only on its content.

I don't like this situation at all. I felt the cold steel within my body, stabbed right through my lungs. It's not very pleasant, but that's not the reason why I don't like this. Yes it does hurt, but that's not the reason either. I lost to a fight, against this...hell I'm not even sure who I'm fighting with. No, it's not because I don't like this guy either. At least that idiot that fell on the waterfall doesn't have to be seen by others that he lost, but me, I can feel the humiliation from both my enemy and my other 3 friends that were watching me from behind.

Is this the same character who fell into the waterfall? If not, don't write about him in first person, (which uses the words 'I' and 'me' to refer to the character).

"Jhuft...Levgh...H-ffhem alo-cough-alone..."

Adgljkahsdf adf ahjdgf fgiofhjf aeio? This is hard to read.

I quickly move my hand, showing my friend a gesture...

What friend?

They understood, except for the girl,

'Friend' should be 'friends,' because you are referring to more than one person.

A simple hi wouldn't hurt, so I waved my hand to her. Unfortunately that was when my head flew, with my hand still raised. Oh I must look ridiculous...

Haha... jeez. I can't think of what to say here. This is very interesting.

Unfortunately, they marked one of us.

Who are 'they?' What exactly do you mean by 'marked one of us.'

"They can't mark Jade because she's not human after all, so if I have the mark, your movement will be undetected and you'll be safe. If you have the mark, however, I'll stay here to hold them off, and hopefully you can get rid of it before they found you."

This confused me. I'm having difficulty telling the characters apart. They all seem too similar.

But, that would mean brother is not putting the mission on first priority?

What mission?

I said quietly with my heads down.

I couldn't help but point this out. 'Heads' should be 'head.'

"So...are you ready?" I asked. She's still quiet, and gave me a big hug for the last time. "...I know this is pretty random to say, but I remember you told me you have an angel taking care of you. You insisted that it's true, but no matter how the rest of us comprehend it, it just sounds silly. But this time, it doesn't matter if the angel exists or not, you just need someone to accompany you, be it angel or anything, just remember, being human also means we can not survive doing things on our own." I answered her hug, and we stayed like that until another explosion was heard, this time a lot closer than before, along with the shaking ground that forced us to part.

This is a good paragraph.

Once there were five brave men, of which two of them was a girl and an android. Together they went on a journey to receive an important mission from the King. I was the girl. I wouldn't put myself together with the other four though; I may be brave, but courage without power is meaningless.

Are you changing to a different character? If so, don't write in first person.

I don't like how you changed the setting and character. It seemed a bit too random.

If you didn't change the setting and the main character, then I'm not sure what you did.

I'm slightly confused.

he invented an android for various reasons,

Which character was the android?

Overall, this was very interesting, but it was hard to read. There were a lot of grammar mistakes that I didn't point out.

Regardless of the many grammar mistakes, I am impressed with how well you know English.

Keep writing. Keep learning.

Young Writers Society

Book of Raziel - Prologue [Rewrote]

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